In the first part of this article on ‘Marriage as warfare: A Perspective on Submission’ we looked at the biblical context and premise of submission, Satan’s assault on the marriage institution as ordained by God and how marriage is a call to war. The second and concluding part of the article continues below:

Mission, not ego trip.

For those who do not understand that the family is God’s fighting unit, it is easy to mistake the mission for an ego trip. When a man doesn’t realize that on a battle field, the medical corps is as crucial as the infantry, he may soon find himself on an ego trip to fantasy land. He may start to think that he is the Lord of the manor, and its commander-in-chief, not realizing that in this unique fighting unit, leadership is at once a great and grave privilege.

For those who do not understand that the family is God’s fighting unit, it is easy to mistake the mission for an ego trip

Leading this unit is not an ego trip; it’s not a free ticket to fantasy land on a gravy train. It is actually first, and foremost, the laying down of your own life. Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25, AMP). The performance index for leading this unit is not some ambiguous standard. It is as clear as can be: “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

As with all that God does, he strikes a perfect and eternal balance. (The Word of the Lord is tested Psalm 18:30 and settled Psalm 119:89); he demands of the man to give up himself, and of the woman he demands the same in submission.

But the foolish man, as I once was would instead grab for privileges. He will demand respect because, as he claims, “God has made me head.” Clearly the sharp sword of God’s word has not separated such a man from his folly. For such a man we exhort: 

“Don’t just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing. Your attitude should be the kind that was shown us by Jesus Christ, who, though he was God, did not demand and cling to his rights as God.” – Philippians 2:4-6, TLB.

“Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.” – Philippians 2:5-8, MSG

The proper leader of God’s fighting unit while he is indeed leader, has the same attitude as Christ and does not cling to his rights. He gives them up. In God’s idea of marriage, the man is so busy serving, and the woman so busy submitting, and both so busy winning victories that neither has any time to nurse any egos.

In God’s idea of marriage, the man is so busy serving, and the woman so busy submitting, and both so busy winning victories that neither has any time to nurse any egos.

Battles are won in the barracks

“Whoa! doesn’t all these gory talks of battles just drain out the romance from marriage?” you ask.

Actually, we aren’t fighting that kind of war. We are in reality enforcing a victory already won. The reality is closer to a cold war with a defeated enemy roaring about and seeking whom he may devour. Our battles are mostly fought by vigilance even as we recline in our barracks.

Like our Lord and Commander-in-Chief, we can recline in a boat, and get a good sleep, and rise at will to rebuke the stormy tantrums of the enemy (Mark 4:39). Oh, it is a faithful saying that God designed our marriages for love and laughter, and raising godly children who will outdo our heights of achievement.

Oh, it is a faithful saying that God designed our marriages for love and laughter, and raising godly children who will outdo our heights of achievement.

Stranded on the battle field

But we are in a battle nevertheless, and when a man grasps for, and insists on his privileges, his unit is often left as stranded, sitting ducks for the enemy’s target practice.

The thing about how God designed marriage is that unity is critical to the survival of either party. This idea is wonderfully expressed in 1 Peter 3:7:

“In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective (AMP).

By “fellow heir of the grace of life”, we are learning here that the man and his wife are co-signatories to the account of grace in the bank of Heaven. Now if a man shows up at the bank with a cheque not countersigned by his wife, he can’t draw on the account. He is stranded. For what the bible says is, “if two of you agree down here on earth concerning anything you ask for, my Father in heaven will do it for you” (Matthew 18:19).

By “fellow heir of the grace of life”, we are learning here that the man and his wife are co-signatories to the account of grace in the bank of Heaven.

What amazing wisdom God deploys in designing checks and balances into marriage. A man can’t just treat his wife shabbily because he is the so-called head of the home and saunter to the bank of heaven to draw down on their joint account of grace. The cheque will bounce. It is dud.

Death by friendly fire

Unfortunately, bullets don’t discriminate, and too many soldiers die by friendly fire (the sheer irony) on the battle field.

God considers divorce to be violence. For in marriage, he makes two people become one flesh, and when men put asunder what God has joined together, in the sight of God, they are violently tearing apart a single person into two separate and incomplete entities.

“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with [your own] weeping and sighing, because the Lord no longer regards your offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.

But you say, “Why [does He reject it]?”

Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously. Yet she is your marriage companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your vows]. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit.

And what did that one do while seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong and violence,” says the Lord of hosts.

“Therefore, keep watch on your spirit, so that you do not deal treacherously [with your wife].”

You have wearied the Lord with your words. But you say, “In what way have we wearied Him?” In that you say, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the Lord, and He delights in them,” or [by asking], “Where is the God of justice?” – Malachi 2:13-17, AMP

God says, “but no one has done so who has a remnant of the spirit”. No one who has a remnant of the spirit (the Paraclete restored) deals treacherously with his wife. And what is this treachery? It is divorce.

And the Lord lays a charge against our culture. We have wearied Him he says, because we have called evil good. We have falsely claimed that God delights in people who get a divorce when he has in fact said, I hate divorce.

When two believers (note believers) get a divorce, they are stating unequivocally that the tiny “remnant of the spirit” they had has been drained out, and what is left is hardness of heart, for the Lord said “Moses did that in recognition of your hard and evil hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended” (Matthew 19:8).

Sadly, at the core of a lot of divorces today, is a misunderstanding of the ideas of leadership and submission. The right understanding is in essence a man laying down his life for his wife, and mission, and she laying down her will for the mission.

A work of grace

Is there any man on the surface of the earth who deserves to be treated in the way the opening scripture in this piece describes? Or a woman who deserves the sacrifice of one’s life? Neither exists. Scripture says, on rare occasions, one may give his life for a righteous man (Romans 5:7) but it also tells us that “there is none righteous, no not one.” (Romans 3:10).

This laying down of one’s life, and submission that God designed for marriage is entirely a work of grace. Marriage in essence is two people (co-signatories) drawing down on their account of grace from heaven and sharing that grace in a mysterious communion.

It is God himself who does this work. “For it is [not your strength, but it is] God who is effectively at work in you, both to will and to work [that is, strengthening, energizing, and creating in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose] for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13, AMP).